Lehigh Football Nation

The smell of aged buffalo meat wafted through his imagination. It was some prior incarnation of the Patsies, and it was Burger Day.  Flown in from Jackson Hole, Wyoming, they were the best bison burger meat the Big Sky had to offer, along with bonus buffalo milk cheddar slices.  The silky-tasting burgers, with the melted buffalo cheddar on fresh brioche, was a treasured memory.  Even the grilled mushrooms on the top seemed opulent in some way. He also remembered the Bison's mascot, sitting down on the bench, awaiting the announcement of Bucknell's recruiting classes, Bucknell students waiting with baited breath hearing each name. (Or perhaps they were in Sojka Pavillion for Midnight Madness, or a midweek game versus Loyola.  It's all a bit hazy.) Nonetheless, it was still jarring to see a folder with coffee cup rings on it, "BUCKNELL" written on it in Sharpie and some numbers crossed out on it.  What happened?  Where were the burgers?

I had grown accustomed to the fanfare around the Patsy ratings. I remembered that year when the Committee had Pitbull perform right by the pool, announcing the winner of that year's Patsies - the Colgate Red Raiders, he erroneously said (by then, they had rebranded to just "Raiders". ) The Walking Dead-colored mascot clad in Maroon embraced Pitbull as the fireworks exploded all around the pool.  The champagne flowed.  Caviar was consumed.  Shoe pastry was eaten.  "Colgate, we were born to be free," Pitbull ad-libbed. What a difference compared to this year. The Patsies came in a brown paper bag, thrown under the door of the Committee's offices.  Granted, the bag was thick - it appeared that they indeed did research, more so than the Pitbull years, it seems.  But the fanfare was gone.  All that was left were the numbers.

In this post, I figured I'd create the complete definition of the Patsy Ratings, which are scheduled to be released any minute now. What are the Patsy Ratings, you ask? The Patsy Ratings are the methodology Lafayette superfan Carney once created in an attempt to determine who had the "best" incoming class. In his words : "At the outset let me say that this is one big heap of crapola. If anyone thinks that he or she can rate 18 and 19 year old high school football players or declare one group of these kids superior to another is delusional. This, however, is an attempt to do just that, so what does it say about me? Many of you will take issue with the methodology or will rail against the outcome because you “know” that [fill in the name of your favorite school] had its best recruiting year ever. I invite you to post your criticism. Even more, I invite you to give us something better. It’s easy to say “you’re wrong.” It is much more difficult to find a be...