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The 2015 Patsy Ratings - Colgate's Class of 2019

Art heard a knock on the door.  He thrust open the door, but there was nobody there to be seen.

Looking down, he saw an envelope.

"The Committee," it simply read on the back, with a bar code and "100% completion", written in block letters, on the back.

A chill went up Art's spine as he opened the letter, which had the scent of minty freshness.

"Is it those Hamiltonians trying this stuff again?" a businesswoman looking suspiciously like Nicki Minaj said once again.

Art's voice trembled as he read the letter.

"In order to have the Colgate recruiting class at 100% completion," he read, "you need to add these extra names to the end of the list."

There was a pause as Art read the block letters of the recruits listed in the letter, as he made sure both deadbolts on the door were locked and in place.

"And to think," Nicki said, "these guys have the best toothpaste anywhere."

Happy at her whiter teeth and Colgate's class
Nicki looked over the original list, minus the names in block letters mentioned at the bottom of the mysterious letter.  "Personally, I think that it doesn't matter much that they're not on there," she said to nobody in particular.  "They identified some big needs in this class, and focused their stars and their recruiting to get those types of guys.  Whether there are more names or less, you have to say Colgate did a great job meeting their identified needs with quality players."

"You're not just saying that because they also sent that free teeth whitening kit?" Art rhetorically asked.

"Shut up and help me fix this window," she retorted.

Looking at a half-empty glass, Art made the obligatory comment about how small the class was in terms of size.  "Sixteen athletes recruited before National Signing day still isn't a great idea," he snorted, emboldened every time he actually would compute a Patsy rating.  "It's also light in the very areas where Colgate teams have been known in the past to need a constant stream of bodies - offensive and defensive lines.  Now, head coach Dan Hunt may feel he's stacked in the trenches, but only three guys?  It's going to hurt somewhere down the line."

Art went further.  "I keep thinking back when I was sweeping up after a Committee meeting a few years ago, and how they were oohing and aahing over one of Dick Biddle's classes with multiple 300 lb linemen.  You wonder today if Dick is on the golf course, looking at these three linemen in this class, and scratching his head."

QUALITY = 25.  Art looked at the spreadsheets from the last two years in the "Quality" category, and saw a disturbing trend: After two straight seasons of thirty-plus quality points, this season's 25 fell short of that mini-goal.

7/16 recruits were recognized by the scouting services, or a mere 43% of the incoming class.  This might not be news normally, but in the prior two years the numbers were closer to 75% of the incoming class.  Last year it was an eye-popping 80%.

"And it's not like the ratio improves that much with the extra names," Nicki added.

Having said that, the recruits that have star ratings were pretty impressive.  One recruit with *** from one of the recruiting services ended up becoming a mountain of points for the Maroons.

CLASS SIZE = 0.  16 recruits did not meet the replacement requirement of 18.  Nicki did try to persuade the Committee to add at least some points here in regards to the mystery list of names that were surreptitiously provided, but the Committee was firm on this point.  "Only an official announcement counts," they gruffly insisted.

DISTRIBUTION = 8.  Despite the small class, Art did notice they technically covered every base in regards to their distribution.  "They covered every position except kicker," he noted.

SPEED = 6.  One interesting aspect of this class, Art noticed, was that only three recruits generated speed points for the Upstate New York HooDoos, even though he counted six players with published speed information.  Six points wasn't a bad number, but also interesting was that it matched last year's Raider class Patsy Point haul in this area as well.

TRIGGER = 4.  That the recruit at QB was *** gave this class a big Patsy point bonus, Art noticed.  Three points for each star, and one for recognition in the recruiting service - that really adds to their total, he thought.

Somewhere in here old Patsy ratings are kept
JUMBO = 0.   This is what shocked Art, and the Committee, the most on the whole spreadsheet.  Of the three guys announced, none of them tipped the scales to get any Jumbo points.  Art didn't bother going to the file cabinet to go through the history - even he knew not to clean out that old, dusty file with yellowing paper - but he couldn't remember the last time a Colgate class didn't have a single Jumbo point in it.  ("To be fair, Art, you did have a problem remembering what you had for lunch yesterday," Nicki helpfully added.)

"In a normal class in the past, it would have been unthinkable that a Colgate group didn't have at least one 300 lb guy on it," a voice warbled over the intercom.

Nicki did look at the list of recruits on the sheet of paper, but even she had doubts that they should be listed in this area.  "I'm not sure I believe this one entry that has "275 lbs" crossed out and "330 lbs" written in pencil above it," she said.

"But I still think some of these names need to be added," she added.

NEEDS = 11 (of 12):  Nicki went to work convincing the Committee that Colgate's incoming class met the stated needs in recruiting extremely well.  Overall, it seemed like her campaign was a big success.

QB = 5 (of 5).  "Two recruits, including Mr. three-star Patsy Point powerhouse,"  Nicki said.  "I'd say that's a perfectly met need in that area."  Though there was some resistance, the Committee finally, begrudgingly, agreed.

Colgate Needs A Lot Of Guys Like This At TE
TE = 4 (of 4).   Art looked a bit quizzically at this.  "Tight End as a need area?  Isn't that a little like saying your biggest need is long snapper, or special teams?"  he said.

"Not on Colgate, where having a good tight end or H-back is a valuable part of the offense," Nicki said.  "And three TEs, two star ranked, all three recognized by the recruiting services, is a great meeting of the need."  The Committee agreed.

DB = 2 (of 3).  "Three DBs is pretty good, including one star-ranked guy,"  Nicki said, but the Committee would have none of it.  "Not enough numbers," a scratchy voice said over the intercom.  "Two points only."

COMMITTEE ADJUSTMENT:  Unsurprisingly, the biggest debate on Colgate's committee adjustment centered on exactly which list of recruits to take.

"We are very busy people," a voice on the intercom said, with audible Ka'eke'eke's and Ukelele's playing in the background.  "We don't have time to track down every last name that's not announced in an official release to get their heights and weights, whether they were really four-star Scout recruits, or whether they're really 330 pound linemen instead of 230 pound linemen.  We cannot start tracking down every rumored recruit."

"But they are here on Colgate's website," Nicki said.  "They're on the official roster for this coming year.  One guy even does meet the Jumbo criteria.  They should be added, right?"

"NO WAY!", one voice boomed on the intercom.  "The original rules are very clear on this - it is not enough to have some scrap of paper claiming that a guy said who said a guy who said he was a recruit.  IT DOES NOT COUNT."

"There's another thing," another heavy-breathing Committee member mentioned.  "I have real concerns about these trench players.  Let's say you even include the two guys in block letters on your ransom* I mean fan letter.  Only one is a Jumbo, and if there's a rash of injuries at the position with the penciled-in starters, what will happen?  I think that is worthy of negative points right there."

Once again the voices started talking over one another, this time getting to a shout.

"You can't count those guys!  Zero points!"

"We should, though!  They're right there, on the roster!  Positive adjustment!"

"Too many concerns on depth - I think it should be negative points!"

"Too much reliance on one star Patsy Point player - not enough distribution - negative points!"

"QQQUUUUUIIIIEETTT!!!" a previously silent Art said.

The room fell into silence.

Unhappy Nicki with unnamed Colgate fan
"There is only one fair adjustment to both balance the concerns of the Committee members," an oddly assertive Art said to all.  "This is the way it's going to be."

No voices piped up over the intercom.

"We are using the original list," Art said.  "Sixteen names.  For our purposes, it's as if those other names do not exist, the ones from the letter with all the crossed-off names.  Unless there's a formal announcement with heights and weights welcoming them to the class of 2019, they do not exist to us."

Art continued.

"There was one indicator of quality in one of the recruits that means a positive adjustment of one point is warranted.  No more, no less."

Nicki stormed off, her heels clicking on the floor.  But that's how it would stand.




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